“Tell me Ruth, how is the ministry? How is work?” a friend asked
“I have not given up” I replied
That was the easiest way to sum up where I was in life when the question was asked. I have periodically thought about my answer and how true it was.
The weeks leading to this question I had been considering giving up; I had been feeling vain, and quite a hypocrite because I was doing the very thing I ask people in my work to stop doing- thus I was feeling I did not have any moral authority to continue working with people in sex addiction.
The thing with moral authority in the times I have been thinking about it- is that the statement in itself is a lie; the truth is I do not have moral authority and never will. The only person who will have moral authority is God.
My actions have led me to re-evaluate my life and my walk with God. So many things have been going some what down-hill at work and in my life and foolishly I have buried them: watched a movie, read a novel, or watched porn. You see, January this year, a family member was married now they are separated, January this year I had a vibrant social life with people who infilled my life with so much laughter, Godly advice, now they are not in my daily life anymore. One such was Alex Marcado and his wife Megan, before leaving he prayed for me because it’s always harder for those who are left behind than those who depart only now do I truly appreciate his words and prayers. More than anything I have never grieved the loss of my friends who God has called to serve him in other parts of the world. And I have yet to replace the gap they left. I hope to rebuild greater and deeper relationships as I did with those who God had put in my life.
In short I have had a lot of personal losses this year- even now I understand myself more than before.
This year also, two individuals from my life contacted me and what they said they left me more confused in doubt, they both came into my life when I was at low moments. The first just before a launched my book and ministry and the other in the process of frustrating and ongoing fundraising attempts. One told me to fold shop till further notice and the other to reconsider career change. I counteracted my first friend in silence and a lot of anger- I had never felt more beaten. We have had a chance to speak and the anger is gone, but I am still very carefully evaluating what he told me that day. The other one I received with much grace, her message triggered doubt because it hit home- my finances and the fact I am struggling on the same.
So, I went back and asked God if I am where I am supposed to be?
“So he replied to the messengers, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor”. – NIV Luke 7:22
“I have not given up and I still don’t know how much strength I have left”
Oh Lord send me angels to hold my hand and give me the strength to continue do the good work you prepared in advance for me to do; truth is that – I can do all things through Christ all who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Will you be praying for me? Ask God how you can be involved in my life and my ministry- I believe God will direct you.
May his grace be sufficient in your life.